I have been going back and forth over the past few days regarding what I want out of my writing, my physical goals, and ultimately, my life.

My conclusion?

I need to take a break from this.

It has brought me happiness beyond words that I have been able to connect with and inspire a few of you through sharing my own struggles.  However, I am reaching a point where I need some time and space to concentrate on myself.  At a later point, I will revisit all of this and have something much more astute to say about “the bigger picture.”  Until then, however, I no longer want to bore myself and others with food pictures, nor do I want to force words just for the sake of writing.  The writing I have recently done has helped me feel renewed and inspired in my own life, and I would like to hone in on those feelings and see what comes from them.  Does this make sense?  Maybe not.  All I know is when my heart is truly in something.  Right now, my heart isn’t in this.  My attention right now is on my relationship, my job, and the experiences and opportunities that I have on the horizon.

Until we meet again, put your hand on your chest.  That person, right there, is the only thing you ever need to make a change.

I am walking proof that now matter how far gone you might feel from the way you want things to be, you can always turn it back around.

All you can ever do is just believe in yourself.

Just remember - keep it trilla :)

-Shannon

Throwing my scale away yesterday marked the start of something new.

For as long as I can remember, a number on the scale has meant so much more to me than who I actually am as a person.

I had gotten to the point where I was weighing myself before and after every meal, every snack, every morning, and every night.  This is how I have been evaluating my self-worth on a daily basis.

The other day, I wrote, “I just don’t ever want to be fat again.”  I meant it.  However, not wanting to “ever be fat again” cannot define how I live the rest of my life.  I don’t want to hop from one diet to another anymore.  I don’t want to worry if I am “going to the gym enough.”  I don’t want to seek approval from others regarding how I look or how I live my life.

Most of all, I don’t want my entire being to be wrapped up in a fucking number.

You know what I would say to someone if he or she was as mean to me as I have been to myself?  I would say, “Fuck you.  You couldn’t possibly begin to fathom the shit that I have been through.  You could never understand how hard it has been to get to the point in my life where I am now, and how hard I have to continue to work to make things even better.”

Why have I allowed myself to victim to my own negativity and toxicity for so long?

It doesn’t matter.  All I know is that I am moving on.  Slowly, yes, but still moving.  The best part is – I am starting a new relationship with myself that has absolutely nothing to do with weight.  You want a weight that represents who I am as a person, everything I have done and seen, the relationships I have; my dreams and desires?  A million pounds.  How’s that?  I weigh a million fucking pounds.

Ok though, so what now?

As with any new relationship, it will take time to feel things out.  Things won’t always work out perfectly.  I suppose that all I can do is go slow, keep an open mind and an open heart, and just see where things go.

Today at yoga, my instructor asked if I was a runner.  I said, “ha, no, but I need to be more of a runner.”

She paused for a moment and then said, “You don’t need to be anything.”

I don’t need to be anything.

Just myself.

I think that’s a good start.